I Did It!

I’ve done it!

My040 I Did It
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Several days ago, I finished reading the Bible; yes, I read it cover to cover and it took me about 14 months to do it. I have a “Life Application Study Bible” that my sister sent in (thank you Sis!) and so I also read every study note written at the bottom of the pages. If you’ve ever seen or owned one of these Bibles, then you know there is more written in the study notes than actual verse in the Bible.  So, I don’t think 14 months is too bad given I read the equivalent of 2+ Bibles.

Many scholars of the Bible will tell you that it’s not necessary to read cover to cover but that instead you should seek out, through a concordance, verse that specifically applies to whatever issue, need, desire or event you’re dealing with.

But my own experience is that reading it word by word from beginning to end often brought to mind things from my past that I had never dealt with spiritually. It seemed that every book within the Bible spoke to some part of my life – past, present, and future. It also helped me to see when I’ve not lived the Christian life God intended. Reading it cover to cover also helped me to see where I struggle day to day – such as my being far too judgmental of others. As said in the Bible: remove the plank from your own eye before pointing out a sliver in another’s eye (Luke 6:42) , and, you will be judged by the same measure that you used to judge others (Matthew 7:2).

The Bible begins with two books that, when read back to back, make for a great action movie – as does the last book of the Bible; so, it begins as it ends – with creation at its heart. And between these books is a whole lot of life and wisdom. One thing I learned is that there truly is nothing new under the sun. If you’re experiencing it in your life today I guarantee you there is verse and wisdom to help you to integrate your challenges into your life AND a lifeline to cling to.

When I shared my accomplishment of finishing the Bible with a friend here in prison he asked me what the greatest lesson was that I learned. On the surface it’s easy to quote the two greatest commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength,” and,”…love your neighbor as yourself,” [Mat 22:37-39] and so I did. My friend wasn’t satisfied and he rephrased his question to, “what was your biggest personal learning about your life?” I said I didn’t know and that I not looked at that relationship in that way as it never occurred to me to do so.

I lied.

I knew the answer and it’s been painful to accept the truth of it all. So, what is my truth?

I wasn’t the husband and father that God wanted me to be while conversely, my wife was, or tried to be, the woman God asked her to be.

Maybe I’m my own worst critic but the truth is when I’m called to account for my life I’ll have a lot to answer for. It’s not that I didn’t do anything right because I did but when the successes are balanced against the failures I’ll be found wanting. And when accounting for my failures I’ll have no rational explanations for my actions.

My friend also asked me if reading the Bible and applying it to my life changed my prayers. Again, I said I’d have to think on it but that my first reaction was that I now prayed more for others and less for me.

A partial lie.

The truth is that I pray fervently that my family will give me the chance to be the husband and father – the man – that God asks. I’m human. I’m a sinner. I’ll stumble, fall and fail but I will get up and try again if my family can forgive the sinner that I am I promise them I’ll make them the greatest part of my life. It’s a lot to ask but I have no choice as my family does mean everything to me here on earth so I ask them and I ask God for this chance.

Thinking through my friend’s questions caused me to become quite introspective. And, of course, I had to admit to myself that I cannot attain heaven without making significant changes within myself and ultimately without giving my life over to Jesus, my Lord and Savior. It is a universal truth.

I’m a sinner and I fail daily. I ask for forgiveness each night as I lay down and pray. I promise God to do a little better every day. And then I start this cycle, the next day, all over again.

My advice is to read the Bible cover to cover at least once and to find your truths; then pray for wisdom and guidance and forgiveness.

It’s all there in God’s Word. He gave His Son that we might have eternal life. Turn the pages and turn to Him.

~jdoe

Forgiveness

During my wife’s last visit, we talked about forgiveness. We didn’t get into all the differences between my view of forgiveness and her view but I was left with a new perspective; one that I hadn’t ever considered before. The outcome for me is not being sure if I can forgive myself for what I’ve done to the family, both near and far. I do know that I’ll have lots of relationships to heal but I can’t help thinking that in order for them to heal I must both forgive myself and have the other person find it in their heart to forgive me too. Without forgiveness life would be a constant test of my will and commitment to living life anew in only healthy ways. While I have confidence in myself and faith that God will see me through, I’m not so sure I can count on others’ confidence and faith in me. I hope that for those of you withholding forgiveness for a wrong done to you that the song below will help you to see that forgiveness, while often hard and perhaps seemingly impossible, is what we owe each other, and perhaps ourselves, as followers of Christ Jesus.

~jdoe

Forgiveness by Matthew West

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those who don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
Takes everything you have to say the w

ord

Forgiveness, forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you’ve got a right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying set it free
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want finally set it free
Show me how to see what your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Songwriters: Matthew West / Matthew Joseph West

To My Love

My040 To My Love

Valentine’s Day.

A day to celebrate the one we love. I’ve sent out my cards. Yes, I said cardS. Why more than one? I have four significant women in my life – mother, sister, daughter and wife. Each is important to me in unique ways but it’s my wife I want to write about now.

My wife and I met in high school while out ice skating with mutual friends. I thought she was stunning. She had, and still has, the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. When she smiles I go weak in the knees.

About three months after meeting her we went on our first date and we’ve been together since. That’s not to say we haven’t had difficult times but through them all we always returned to each other.

So how long ago was that first date? That was 37 years ago. I’m now 55 so well over half my life has been spent with this amazing lady. It seems like only yesterday I was asking for her at her front door while being scrutinized by her father.

Words. What words can do my wife justice?

She’s loyal, dedicated ,earnest, reliable, true, wise, inspiring, faithful, honest, helpful, kind, sincere, a terrific mother, a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt. She’s intuitive, smart, dependable, funny, serious, creative, complicated and simple. She’s fun, competent, talented, achieving, tireless, brave, independent, admirable and the list goes on. Words are simply inadequate to convey what is in my heart and on my mind when it comes to this lady.

I can’t imagine life without her. I wonder who I’d be had she not entered my life. My successes are, in large part, due to her unwavering love and support.

She is my rock and my light.

I love this woman with all that I am or ever will be. She completes me and fills the voids in my heart and soul.

If I could say just one thing to her I would say, “thank you.” Thank you for choosing me to give yourself to.

I love you babe.

~jdoe

Thank you Dierks Bentley, Josh Kear, and Ross Copperman for writing such a fitting song, lyrics follow

Woman, Amen

Performed by Dirks Bentley https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXOTJ-tluUU

I’d lose my way and I’d lose my mind
If I faced one day on my own
I know I was saved
The night that she gave this drifter’s heart a home

Every night I should be on my knees
Lord knows how lucky I am
I’ll never say near enough
Thank God for this woman, Amen

This world has a way of shaking your faith
I’ve been broken again and again
But I need all the cracks in my shattered heart
‘Cause that’s where her love gets in

Every night I should be on my knees
Lord knows how lucky I am
I’ll never say near enough
Thank God for this woman, Amen

She gives me faith
She gives me grace
She gives me hope
She gives me strength
She gives me love
Love without end
Thank God for this woman, Amen

Thanks for the moon and the stars up above
Forgiveness’ a sin in your undying love
Every twist every turn for the way you made sure
All my roads led to her

So tonight I will fall down on my knees
‘Cause Lord knows how lucky I am
I’m gonna shout at the top of my lungs
Thank God for this woman, Amen
And thank God for this woman, Amen

She gives me faith
She gives me grace
She gives me hope
She gives me strength
She gives me love
Love without end
Thank God for this woman, Amen

 

Make Room

My040 Make Room

As I cast about looking for the words to this Christmas post I found myself at a loss for what to say.  I  mean, everything I wrote down had been said before, and often by more insightful and wiser persons than I.  Instead I decided to write about how I wanted Christmas to be different for me this year.

Think about it … I can’t buy and send home a bunch of presents.  I can’t help my wife decorate the tree.  I can’t visit the local assisted living centers to sing carols.  In fact, the only things I can do are send out cards and call people with best wishes.  And while these things mean a great deal to me I still felt that they’re not quite what my heart was looking for.

Christmas for me has always been about family, and I feel good about that.  God blessed me with a wonderful family and I am truly thankful; yet I didn’t make Christmas about Christ really.  Christmas was something that, more or less, happened to me, for me, and around me and when I realized that I decided I wanted Christmas to happen with me as a full participant. 

How to do that?

I wasn’t sure how to even go about answering that question so I decided to sit down and start writing in the hope that the Holy Spirit would guide me to the words and thus my answer.  And I go exactly…

Nothing!

I walked the track thinking about it and again was rewarded with nothing.

So I turned to my last resort – meditation.  When I mediate I often hear the Holy Spirit and this time I was rewarded with …

“Listen to the radio.”

That’s it.

What was i to do with that?!

I took it literally and tuned into a local station that plays Christmas music 24/7 from Thanksgiving through Christmas day.  I listened for days and didn’t hear anything that felt like the answer.  I was expecting to hear some wisdom from a DJ or talk show host, but I got nothing;  until one night while falling asleep with the Christmas music playing in my head. 

Then I got it!

You see, more than a decade ago I heard a Christmas song that moved me deeply.  Thanks to the internet I was able to track down the artist and lyrics and I committed those lyrics to memory.  As I lay there going through the message of the song it dawned on me how Christmas could happen with me as a full participant.

Below are the lyrics to the song, “My Heart is Bethlehem.”  I hope you’ll find in it the same thing I do … that within you is the secret of how to bring Christ into your life not only on Christmas day but every day of every year.

May the joy of Christmas fill you every day and deliver to you all that is important in your life.  Please remember our Savior on Christmas day and commit some time in thanks to God the Father for His gift to all mankind.

Peace ~jdoe

Click and Listen to John Barry sing as you read the lyrics.

My Heart Is Bethlehem

Eternity stepped into time,
And drew a mortal breath.
Mystery so clearly seen
The world could not forget
That in the town of Bethlehem,
In the most unlikely place,
God, the father wore
A child’s face.

There’s something in the heart of God,
So purely meek and mild
That finds its best expression in
The longings of a child.

For every child’s heart is hungry,
To be found and loved and known
A someone who would make their heart a home.

My heart is Bethlehem
I will make room for him.
This humble dwelling place
Made worthy by his grace.

This child is still adored,
Because he still is born
Deep in the hearts of men,
(To love and not condemn)
My heart is Bethlehem

I wish for you this Christmas Eve,
That you would find true peace.
But silent nights are holy nights
And wonders never cease.

There’s no remembering,
The ghost of Christmas past
For God’s forgiveness finds your heart at last.

Time for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time when we recognize the blessings and graces in our lives.

I’d like to thank God for His love and His graces in my life of which there are many. I’d like to thank my wife, without her love and support I’d have a very dark and lonely existence. I’d like to thank my family for their continued support and understanding. Without them I’d be lost for direction. I’d like to thank my sister for all of her work with this blog. She really makes it happen. I’d like to thank those friends that have stayed with me. They are truly God’s perfect representation of caring for the prisoners in the world. I’d like to thank my readers, both current and new. Without you this blog would have no purpose.

I’m sure there are a hundred more things and people to be thankful for and I am.

I hope that, for all of you, these days are filled with God’s graces and blessings, family and friends and remembrances of what really matters in life.  ~jdoe

Thank You For Healing Me

by Matt Redman

Yes, You stepped in with Your power to save
Let forgiveness reign
Worked a miracle within

Thank You for healing me
I was dying beneath my shame
But You brought me to life again, I will sing
Thank You for freeing me
I was dead to the truth of You
But my healing was in Your wounds, and now I sing
Thank You for healing me

Though outwardly I may waste away
On the inside I’ll be more alive every day
As I walk through times of pain and grief
There’s a deeper truth inside of me…
You have placed Your life inside of me
So I sing

Thank You for healing me
I was dying beneath my shame
But You brought me to life again, and I will sing
Thank You for freeing me
I was dead to the truth of You
But my healing was in Your wounds, and I will sing
Thank You for healing me

Do It Yourself

Funny, how so many of us become attached to objects because of the memories associated with them.  How many of us have concert or movie ticket stubs from a first date or first time attending such an event?  I know I do.

My father passed away earlier this year (see “Dad (Warning, He Cusses)”).  Between then and now my Mom has been going through his things inside the house and either giving them to family and friends or donating them.

A little over a week ago, my sister and her family arrived at my Mom’s for a visit and to aid my Mom in going through my Dad’s remaining affects.  This includes things in the garage – outside the house.  What’s there?

Tools.  A Lot Of Tools.

My040 Do It Yourself

My father was the consummate do-it-yourselfer.  Anything that came up around the house that needed repairs or renovation was completed by my Dad.  I can remember only three times when a ‘professional’ was called in to do a job.

When my Dad would work on a home project he would always include me.  When he needed a tool for a job he would say, “The money I save by doing the project pays for the tool.”  Consequently, his tool collection constantly grew; and so did my memories of time with Dad.

For me, what lies in the tool boxes in my parent’s garage is not really a collection of tools but is instead a collection of memories.  And for any tool named I can recall a project, or projects, in which we used that tool.

So it’s not easy hearing about the dismantling of this collection of tools; of memories.  Each time a tool is set aside for a family member, a few memories go with it.  It feels like small parts of me are going too.

My sister has asked me if there’s a special tool I’d really want in memory of my Dad.  How do I say yes to one and no to another?  Every tool is special to me.  I don’t need any tool in particular as I grew my collection of tools in the same way my father did; so I have no objective way to identify any tool in particular.  And it’s not like there was one project in particular where in a tool was used that I’d want.

Well, that’s not entirely true – my Dad and I built my stereo system’s speakers and they sound great!  But the tools used in that project are the same as those used in any wood working project and so no tool rises above the rest.

Perhaps that’s not entirely true either.  My Dad gave me a tape measure when I was in high school.  That tape measure was used not only by my father but by his father as well.  So with it came my father’s memories in addition to my own.  But is that enough?

The irrational part of me wants to claim all the tools.  I want to protect the collection of tools and memories.  But, the rational part of me knows it’s selfish and uncaring to make such a pronunciation.  I know other family members have their memories of Dad/Grandpa and his tools; I want them to have something to keep those memories alive as well.

I don’t envy my sister’s and Mom’s efforts in passing out all those tools among the family members.  I know they’re being as fair as they can be.  And I trust them.

I’ve told them I’d be happy with anything and that I’d appreciate about a third of the tools as I’m one of three kids (my younger sister, my older sister that passed away, and myself).  That leaves a third for my younger sister and the remaining third to go to the children of my older sister.  But the truth is, anything I might receive is really enough.

I wonder what my Dad would say or do were he with us.  I know he’d want them given in the way my Mom and sister are doing.  But I wonder if he’d see his collection of tools as a collection of memories as well.  He never presented himself as especially sentimental – except when dividing out the belongings of his parents and grandparents.  So what does that say about how he’d feel about his own belongings?  I’m not sure.  I only know that the rational, practical side of him would want his tools to get used by the family.

I miss you Dad and I miss working side by side with you.  We accomplished so much.  Perhaps those are all the memories I need. ~jdoe

The Good Inside

Over the past few weeks I asked about twenty fellow inmates the following question: 

What’s the best thing about being inside and/or this location specifically? 

I asked because I wanted to write a posting saying something like, “It’s Not All Bad Inside.”  I thought that by asking others I’d hear perspective and views differing from my own.  What surprised me was that all the responses fell into one of three categories, each garnering about one third of the total.

The first category is:

“There’s nothing good about being inside or at this location.” 

Even when I pressed them to be more thoughtful they couldn’t come up with any positives about being here, inside.  Perhaps this response isn’t surprising on its own however it came from some of the people I’d thought were most pragmatic about their incarceration.  Don’t misunderstand, I’d rather not be here either, yet I am and I try to make the most of it.  When I fall into this line of thinking it slows time down and makes this experience more burdensome.

The next category is:

“It’s relatively violence free here.” 

I’m at a low security institution and I’d have to agree with this assessment.  It’s not that I haven’t witnessed, or heard of, fights but you generally don’t have to be constantly looking over your shoulder to know who’s behind you.  You do have to be aware of your surroundings but as long as you keep your nose clean you’re relatively safe – it is still a prison and you’re still dealing with people who may have been violent in their past.  One person even described this location as, “A highly dysfunctional community college campus.”  I don’t think I can agree in total but it is highly dysfunctional here. 

These first two categories made me think of all the people in the world, maybe billions, who would gladly trade places with we inmates – the homeless, the hungry, those in war torn countries, and those without sanitation or safe drinking water.  Would they say there’s nothing good here inside?  And wouldn’t they appreciate the lack of violence?

The final category is:

“Time is the best thing wherever you’re imprisoned.” 

Time to reflect and be introspective.  Time to look at your own history and envision a new future.  Time in these ways is the school of thought I think is indeed the best thing about living in exile.

My040 The Good Inside
Photo by Murray Campbell on Unsplash

When I was on the outside I took time to think but I concentrated on worldly things like material belongings, money, success, and feeding my addiction.  It’s not that I didn’t ever think about the truly important things in life like family, faith, and health but it was out of balance.  I thought too much about the former and too little about the latter.

It took being stripped of all the good things in my life to show me where I should have been focusing my thoughts and introspective time.  Now I can say without hesitation that there’s nothing more important than my faith, family, and health.  Think on it a while and I’m sure you’ll find this to be true for you as well.  I know it seems obvious that these are the important things in life but if we’re honest with ourselves we’d admit that we let other less important items cloud our thinking and take our eyes off the truly critical facets of life.

Keep your eyes on the true prizes of life.  ~jdoe

Sketches, Reflections of Father’s Day

“Who needs fathers?  We all do.  We especially need our Father in heaven, who forgives our parenting inadequacies for Jesus’ sake and who enables us each day with a fresh start.  Just as the loving father in Luke’s gospel welcomed home his lost son, our Father will one day welcome us into heaven together with all others who love and trust in Jesus.” 

~ Dr. Rodney Rathmann

My040 Sketches Reflections of Father's Day

This is jdoe’s lil-sis.

I have been reflecting and sketching out memories, thoughts.   Sparked by father’s day and receiving the most recent blog written by my brother (to be posted next time).  The blog post talks about the impact jdoe’s illness and medication has had on him recently – and in it he talks about having lost his ability to see his future.

The quote that ended jdoe’s last post, and opens mine asks “Who needs fathers?” … We all need fathers.  Our earthly father that God blessed us with, and our Heavenly Father God.

We lost our father earlier this year, so the months that have followed have found us with twisted heart when we read a card or letter from our Mom, now only signed ‘love Mom.’  Or the fact that we didn’t have to shop and send a father’s day card.  Our father for many years prior to his passing was locked in a prison of his own;  one that left him unable to walk, remember, and eventually talk.  For several years Dad was ever there, but darkening – his sun was setting.  This relationship we had with our father is not unlike the relationship my brother now has with his children.  My brother is locked in exile, physically removed from day to day family life and restricted in communication.  Yet, there is a fundamental difference – he is still fully available, and has life to look forward to – a new dawn over the horizon.

I thought I’d write this week’s post, remind my brother jdoe of the vibrant future that lies in-front of him with a strong family that he helped to build.  Remind him of the person he is.

Do you remember these words, bro?  Below is from an excerpt from an email I sent my brother a couple years back – I’d like to focus on the “Father” in him…

I thought about you a lot today.  And I was thinking, I cannot even start to imagine what it feels like to walk in your shoes.  All the feelings and experiences that lay behind you.  Looking out over what looks like very rocky ground infront of you. 

Then I started thinking about the man standing in those shoes, You, jdoe. 

This is the man I see standing in your shoes…

A devoted son, brother, friend, and father.  You have a deep well of love for family, friends, even strangers. 

A man that has raised four great children that have turned into wonderful, loving, hard working, respectful, fun, adults. You instilled family, just look how your kids like to be around each other. 

Your love for jane is deep and strong, obvious to anyone who sees the two of you together.  What an amazing example the two of you have set for your children and others.

Someone whom I, and others, look to for sound advice. 

Someone whom I, and others, can trust. 

You know what to say, and how to say it. 

Intelligent, hardworking, and dedicated to anything you put your head and heart into.  Through your daily demonstration, your children now also live these characteristics out.

Someone who has learned from his mistakes, and grown better from them.  Who now shares his experiences in hopes to help others.

You have a contagious smile and laugh, spreading joy and light.  Fun and playful, wise and thoughtful.

You are a talented artist, with cars, music, stories, painting rooms (lol), re-upholstering, well just about everything you touch.  You are willing to share your knowledge with those willing to learn.

You are thoughtful, tender and compassionate, strong and firm. 

A gentleman, kind and respectful.

Spiritual, believer.

Love Thou jdoe ~lilsis

Happy Father’s Day

“Who needs fathers?  We all do.  We especially need our Father in heaven, who forgives our parenting inadequacies for Jesus’ sake and who enables us each day with a fresh start.  Just as the loving father in Luke’s gospel welcomed home his lost son, our Father will one day welcome us into heaven together with all others who love and trust in Jesus.” 

~ Dr. Rodney Rathmann

My040 Fathers Day

Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads

Happy Father’s Day to “My Old Man” 

Lyrics and Song by The Zac Brown Band

He was a giant
When I was just a kid
I was always trying
To do everything he did
I can still remember every lesson he taught me
Growing up learning how to be like my old man

He was a lion
We were our father’s pride
But I was defiant
When he made me walk the line
He knew how to lift me up
And when to let me fall
Looking back, he always had a plan
My old man

My old man
Feel the callous on his hands
And dusty overalls
My old man
Now I finally understand
I have a lot to learn
From my old man

Now I’m a giant
Got a son of my own
He’s always trying
To go everywhere I go
Do the best I can to raise him up the right way
Hoping that he someday wants to be
Like his old man

My old man
I know one day we’ll meet again
As he’s looking down
My old man
I hope he’s proud of who I am
I’m trying to fill the boots of my old man

My old man

 

Dad (Warning, He Cusses)

We apologize for our silence ~jdoe and sis

My-040 Dad

“My father died on March 7th.  His passing was peaceful having gone in his sleep.  My mother, his caregiver, was with him when he passed.

It is always hard losing a loved one, and doubly so when you’re locked away, living in exile as I am now.  There’s nowhere you can go to mourn in silence and solitude.

But this isn’t about me:

It’s about my father.

When I sat down to write this post I had every intention of writing a eulogy that would paint a picture of my father so all could see how much he meant to me.  I also wanted to write something that would make readers of this post wish they’d known him.

But how to summarize the life of a man whom I’ve love for over 50 years?

How do you do justice to the life of someone who was more than a father?  He was a guide and mentor, a parent and friend, a confidant and sounding board, a coach and cheerleader.  My Dad was a man like any other man with his strengths and faults, his positive and negative, his rights and wrongs, his good and bad, his ups and downs.

What made him unique in my eyes was his desire to teach me how to be a man holistically and later how to be a father.  He did these things at a time when society was weak in these things.  His sense of family and his dedication to being a father was in contrast to so many of my friend’s lives.  While my Dad was teaching, my friend’s fathers were busy with sports on TV; not that my Dad didn’t take his time to watch sports but while he was watching TV we were also talking life.

Talking life was something my Dad did often with me, usually late at night when I’d come home from a friend’s house or a date.  I can tell you that at the time all I wanted was to go to bed – now – I cherish those talks and will miss the opportunity to hold them with him ever again.

In some ways I don’t know how to feel.  Should I feel anger that dementia won?  Should I feel relief that he’s stepped away from suffering?  Should I feel joy that he’s crossed over to eternal salvation?  Should I feel sorrow, regret and remorse knowing my father died while I’m here in prison?  I wonder what his thoughts around me were.  I wonder how disappointed he was.  My father and I never had a chance to talk about my transgressions and the outcome there of.  And now the door is closed to that opportunity.

I was asked by the Priest here what  my favorite memory is and if I could say only one more thing to my father what would it be?

I actually have three favorite memories.

One is our time working together on my first car.  He was a huge help and he even worked on it when I went away to college – such was his commitment to me.

My second favorite memory is when we as a family went on a two week vacation.  I was five years old and he spent a lot of time with me that trip as we visited all the sights that tourists visit.  The whole time I felt like his buddy; I felt older than I was and I felt totally accepted.

Maybe my favorite memory, certainly the greatest piece of “advice” he ever gave me, came one of those late nights when I was talking to him about maybe dating someone other than Jane.  He said to me, “It’s always interesting to see your offspring fuck up.”  It’s not that I married Jane because of Dad, but it was his way of presenting a perspective that was really more objective than mine at the moment.  I cannot imagine a life without her really, and I thank Dad for keeping me honest within my own heart.

As for what I would say to him beyond, “I love you”? 

I’d say,

“Thank you.” 

I wish I’d said it before he passed.

Obviously, I won’t be attending his funeral.  My Mom won’t have me there to lean on.  By God’s grace she’ll have my wife and my sister, both of whom I feel are stronger than me anyway.

Genesis 3:19 says we are but dust and to dust we shall return.  There’s a comfort knowing that we will all one day be returned to the earth from which we were made.  I do feel relief in knowing this and Dad, you’re in God’s hands now – better off than any of us.

Dad – I love you – and – Thank You.

~jdoe